but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
