The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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