some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
