I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
