and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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