you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
