I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think my tv is drunk
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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