My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
