I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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