Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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