the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
