So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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