I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
