Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
