Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
