I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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