Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
