The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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