My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize