OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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