hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
