I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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