Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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