I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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