My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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