Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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