Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
