a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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