you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
