In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
