Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
