With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
