I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
