guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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