When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
