What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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