Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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