There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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