Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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