There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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