I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
