those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
