I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
