I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
