so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
