First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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