you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
