I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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