I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
