I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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