I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
