Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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