If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You need a sexual gate keeper
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize