My sheets look like a crime scene.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
