i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
