i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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