I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Im part way to drunk.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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