o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
