who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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