you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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